


In Silence

by yanderekirklandchan



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e07 The Witchfinder, Family, Fire Magic, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Parent Gaius (Merlin), Season/Series 02, Self-Harm, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:20:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22411654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yanderekirklandchan/pseuds/yanderekirklandchan
Summary: Gaius is safe from execution but that doesn't make everything magically okay, even if the two of them are expected to move on. But so long as they have each other, they just might make it through.Or, Merlin has a nightmare about Gaius' arrest and runs to his mentor for comfort. Also,  Merlin sleep set himself on fire.
Relationships: Gaius & Merlin (Merlin)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 178





	In Silence

**Author's Note:**

> I am in shock after watching this episode and need to vent. Anyone attack these babies again and I'll fight them with a spork.

_Sorcerer!_

Flames. Flames were everywhere, the heat was too much to bear. It burnt. It _burnt!_

_The amulet, clattering to the floor. Evidence. Guilty. They were dragging him away away… away… He couldn't get out. With all his magic and his stupid destiny, he couldn't get out. He was going to die._

The fire was raging now, he could feel it over every inch of his body. It burnt! His flesh was sizzling and scorching as the heat pierced further _further… further…_

_Seeing Gaius like that… he was taking the blame! It was his fault, all his fault. He was stupid, so very stupid. They were all right. He was a monster. Only a monster would cause a man that was as good as a father to him to die for his petty mistakes. His stupidity. So very very stupid._

The flames were rising rising… rising… he wrung his wrists to get free but all that did was tear at his burnt skin with rope. The fire was burning. It was all around. So hot, too hot.

_Gaius in the cell… Arthur has been trying to help letting him in but nothing has ever hurt Merlin as much as seeing his mentor so broken, so hopeless. He was a great man, the greatest man, and the cruel, unjust world had brought him down to a broken man in a cell, like some criminal when he was the purest thing._

Flames consumed him whole, like the open jaw of a colossal beast, snapping shut with him trapped inside. He was burning burning… burning… everyone was watching. Everyone was laughing. Ding dong… _the wicked witch is dead._

_Their chambers… their home. Wrecked and savaged by the searching guards. He'd have to return tonight. He'd have to return knowing that Gaius never would. He'd have to live there, suffocated by the memories of Gaius laughing, teasing, giving him that stern look when he'd done something silly. Of the twinkle in his eyes that never faded, even when he was chidding him because that was the man Gaius was. Not some criminal to execute but a man who was always full of life and hope and goodness, always supporting patiently and caringly even when Merlin was the last person in the world who deserves it. And he would never see him again. No one would._

The cage being pulled out into the courtyard. The stake… the flames. Rising. Burning. So hot, so very hot. Too hot to bear. He was suffocating, he was dying. The smoke had penetrated his lungs, every scream drew them further in.

_But then he wasn't in the flames, though his skin still burnt unbearably hot, he was watching. He was watching from afar, unable to do anything as another figure was engulfed at the heart of the beastly fire. It was… it was Gaius!_

_He screamed. He ran. He fell to the ground. He scrambled forward, but he was being held back. He used all his energy to leap into the flames, hands grabbing desperately at Gaius' dying form but they closed around nothing._

Merlin woke with an agonised cry of grief, jerking in his bed and thrashing against monsters that weren't there. His blanket had wrapped itself around his legs, feeling like shackles to his panicked, tired mind.  
"No!" He shrieked into the darkness, voice raw with despair "No!"  
With nothing filling the silence but the echoes of his own fading cry and his laboured panting, Merlin finally began to calm down, his eyes manically flitting unseeingly around his room until slowly the familiarity hit him. He wasn't tied to the stake. He wasn't watching Gaius die. Gaius… Gaius… Gaius had… yes, that was right. Gaius had been let go. He was safe, he and Gwen had done it.

Merlin fell back, exhausted. He let out a cynical huff of a laugh, even sleep had turned against him, for him to be tired from the sleep itself. Maybe his mind was punishing him. Sure, Gaius was alive. But unharmed? Safe? No. He'd been scathed by this, even if it hadn't been the flames. He'd been betrayed, just as much by Merlin as by Uther. After all, if wasn't Uther who'd committed the crime Gaius had been sentenced for. Gaius who always warmed Merlin to keep safe, and yet when it came to it it hadn't been Merlin in chains.

But alas it was over. Somehow, the quiet of the night made it all worse. It'd all been desperate, driven action until then. All indignation and desperation and anger. Now there was nothing but his thoughts and Gaius' haunted looks, and the kingdom just moved on. Whoops, sorry I almost killed you but moving on. It wasn't fair! The witchfinder was dead but it wasn't enough.

He wanted to scream and cry and kick, he wanted to yell in Uther's face till he'd turned blue, for betraying his loyal friend so quickly. He wanted to yell at Arthur for not doing more. At Gaius for taking the fall for him. At Morgana for being so much better at hiding than him. At the guards for bringing so many innocents to their deaths. At the villagers who watched their loving friend and physician be dragged to his doom and not do anything. At Gwen for being so damn nice. At himself. For being the only true guilty party.

He wanted to hurt, he wanted to burn like he had in his dream. Because he deserved it. He didn't know anymore whether his magic made him a monster, everyone who knew his secret told him he wasn't but surely if today's events were what his magic brought then he was every hit the monster Uther Pendragon thought him to be. It was his self destructive longing to hurt that made him notice that he was hurting. Burning just like he had been in his dream. In fact, it hadn't stopped with him waking him. Merlin gasped, panic filling him at the sight of his wrists and hands alight "Brimstream!" He exclaimed, shooting jets of water at his hands, successfully putting out the flames.

Merlin looked at his reddened wrists and hands, now he noticed they were hurt the pain become more obvious. He winced, hissing through his teeth. It looked as if the fire he'd conjured in his sleep wasn't as potent as a normal flame, his skin was raw and painful but there was no serious damage. He'd deserve it if there were though. He shook his head, pulling his knees up to his chest and letting out a soft sob. After the first sound escaped his lips, he found that he couldn't stop.

He began to cry so hard his chest hurt, his chest was rising and falling but there was no air in his lungs. He knew that his eyes must be open but he couldn't see a thing through the blur of his tears. It couldn't be real. That day couldn't possibly be real, it was too horrible. Too dreadful to think about. Gaius hadn't been tortured into confession. He hadn't been convicted by a man he trusted. He hadn't been tied to a stake to burn and die. It hadn't all been Merlin's fault. All of it… it couldn't be. It was too horrible to be. Life threw this at him and… and what? What was he supposed to do now? How was he supposed to move on now?

He felt so betrayed. So attacked. He felt as if he was being watched from all angles. His skin was crawling. How could he bear to live in a kingdom ruled by a man who'd allowed Gaius to be put though pain? Humiliation? Locked up? Sent to die? How could he walk amongst the people who'd stayed quiet to save themselves? How could he work for the man who'd been forced by duty to go along with it? How could he live here when the floors would always be scattered with the memory of torn pages and smashed glass? How could he feel safe when he'd seen how quickly his whole world could come tumbling down? He knew he was working himself into a state and it was only making it all worse but… there was no use in trying to get these dark thoughts to budge when he knew all his turmoil stemmed from the unwavering truth that if was his fault.

Unable to bear his own mind any longer, Merlin stumbled into the main chamber, setting off to busy himself with tending to his burns. He had to keep busy, it seemed like the only way he could continue functioning. Every time he stood still his mind crawled with the horror and injustice, so he mustn't stand still. In truth, he desperately wanted to see Gaius. He knew in his mind that the man was alive but he'd been so close to losing him for good that knowing wasn't enough. He had to see.

Merlin's face softened when he saw Gaius' sleeping form. Usually it was a strange thing to see Gaius sleep. It was very rare and always made him slightly uneasy, Gaius was his mentor, his guardian, to see him so vulnerable and still was strange. But it was also nice, knowing he was so peaceful. This time was different. At first he felt relief, Gaius was alive. Then he noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the way that he looked old, withered, in a way that he scarcely did. All he could feel then was that great sadness and the need to protect him. But that need was moot. He'd needed protecting and Merlin had failed, now it was too late.

Merlin went to get some ointment and bandages for his hands and wrists but they weren't there. Of course they weren't there, the whole place had been ransacked. Merlin sniffled, whipping furiously at his eyes before crouching down and retrieving then from the ground, absentmindedly tending to his hands as he slowly fell apart again. To look around here and see all the broken things… it had it so real. So physical. Those men had come through here without a care for the life Gaius and he had built for themselves here, of what might be important and irreplaceable to them. Now the two of them were left utterly alone to rebuild with nothing but broken, tattered pieces.

He didn't mean to cry, he really didn't, but… he was so scared and hurt and angry. All the stupid things that made him stupid cry.

"Merlin?"  
His sobs slowed in surprise when he heard a voice, eyes snapping up "Gaius!" He gasped, voice shaking with his tears.  
"What's the matter, my boy?" He asked gently, voice firm and caring like he wasn't the one who'd spent days being tortured and accused inhumanely.  
Gaius made to get up, worry deepening the creases of his face, but Merlin wasn't having it. Before the older could begin to get up, he was knocked back down into the bed, with an armful of crying boy weighing him down.  
"Gaius!" He cried out, voice shaking and raw and full of sad despair. Merlin felt arms tighten around him, and a blanket pulled over their bodies together.  
"I know." Gaius said simply, voice so raw and delicate that it was all that needed to be said.

Merlin cried loudly and Gaius held him tight, it was like that for goodness know how long but the first light was creeping through the windows by the time Merlin's cries slowed, he was too exhausted to cry. His body shook, though, and Gaius' hold hadn't loosened in the slightest, one hand carding through Merlin's hair. It felt nice.  
"I thought you were going to die." Merlin said, voice sounding miles away though it came from his own lips.  
"I thought so too."  
"It's not fair."  
"No," Gaius replied softly "It's not."  
Silence took hold but it no longer scared him.

"You must have been so scared, Merlin." Gaius said gently, hand rubbing Merlin's back caringly.  
Merlin let out a humourless laugh "I wasn't the one in the cell."  
"They say it's harder to see your loved ones hurt than to hurt yourself."  
Silence once more.  
"I can't bear it, Gaius. The thought of what's happened to you makes me so… angry. The injustice of it all… it's like a drop of poison in a water store, spreading and contaminating the lot of it." Merlin felt his voice shaking again. He also felt Gaius holding him close, like he was something precious.

"It's alright to be angry, Merlin. You should never shut away your emotions, but don't let them consume you. When something awful happens, just keep doing the right thing and you're making the world a better place, then all the bad people and their bad deeds will never win."  
"Soldier on?"  
"Always."  
"I don't know how… I'm weak."  
"You're the strongest person I know."  
Silence.

"They hurt you."  
"Yes."  
"That's not okay."  
"Indeed."  
"I can't…" Merlin's voice broke "I can't get over it. There's nothing I can do to make it go away."  
Gaius tilted his chin up and Merlin found himself looking into kind blue eyes, full of life and love and fight, the opposite of how they'd looked when he saw them in that cell.  
"You did so much, Merlin, don't you realise? I'm afraid saving people's lives has become commonplace to you, you don't even notice it anymore. Or have you forgotten it was you who saved my life?"  
Merlin shook his head, tearful again, his eyes achy and raw "After putting you in danger in the first place."  
Merlin was determined to punish himself but melted in an instant into the gentle hand cupping his cheek.  
"My dear boy, it pains me to see you hurting like this. Don't hurt yourself so, the world does that enough as it is without you joining in."

Gaius paused and sighed softly "You know that playing around with your magic in these times is wrong and dangerous. You knew that before but knowing is different to experiencing. Now you have, and you feel remorse and I'm sure you won't be so quick to do it again. That's the end of the matter, my boy. Your only crime is playing with magic in the open, certainly not sentencing me to death. That lies on the necks of Uther and Aredian. Please, Merlin. Try to understand that. Guilt over a loved one can burn people up, I would never wish that upon you."  
Merlin screwed his eyes shut and gave a small nod. Gaius kissed his forehead gently.

"Are you okay?"  
Gaius exhaled heavily before nodding slowly "Yes. I am rather surprised to say it but… I am. What's happened is gone, it lives only in our memory. Nothing but a fading dream. Sooth your mind, Merlin, I am alright. What Uther did hurts, though I will no doubt forgive him. Being put before the whole village as a sorcerer hurts too. Looking around and seeing this place upturned… it's certainly not pleasant. But I'm okay. Truly."  
Merlin shook his head, eyes wide with incomprehension "How?"  
Gaius smiled in that fond, all-knowing way that made Merlin feel like he was a child "Because," he said "I've got you."  
Merlin huffed derisively.  
Gaius shook his head "It's true! I didn't think I could ever get over it all until I saw you. Until I had you in my arms again and heard your voice, saw you smile. I will always be okay so long as I'm with you, my boy. I'm not trying to carry on in solitude, I'm not trying to forget in silence, I'm not trying to build up from the ground alone. What really matters is safe and in my arms."

Merlin sniffled, muffled against the other man's chest "I don't deserve you, Gaius."  
He tutted in return "You're too bright to say such foolish things."  
Silence.  
"We'll be okay, Merlin."  
Somehow, that was far more effective than 'you'll be okay'.  
Silence.  
Merlin felt hands oh-so-gently take his wrists.  
"What happened?" Gaius said, voice highly concerned.  
"Nothing."  
"Did somebody hurt you—"  
"No."

Silence.  
"I had a nightmare. Woke up with my arms alight."  
Merlin could feel the frown in the silence that followed.  
"...Merlin—"  
He curled up on himself a little "I swear, I didn't do it on purpose."  
"I believe you." Gaius answered plainly "But to cast flames on yourself that actually cause damage you must've wanted to cause yourself harm, else the fire would have simply been benign."  
Silence.  
"Don't think we won't be talking about this. But for now… let's bandage you up properly." Gaius smiled warmly, teasing "You are no physician, Merlin."  
Merlin let out a small but genuine chuckle, the ghost of a smile lingering.

The room was in silence as Gaius caringly tended to the burns and bandaged him up with the utmost attention and affection. Merlin closed his eyes, feeling more tired than he can ever remember feeling.  
"We've both had scarcely an hour's sleep." He observed.  
"I think no one expects us at work tomorrow." Gaius added.  
Merlin hummed in agreement.

Silence.  
"What do we do now?" Merlin asked numbly, feeling so very lost.  
"We continue."


End file.
